I love you. I would look at you and you would fill my eyes. I could see nothing else. I would breathe you in and my mind would spin and I would be drunk off you and I'd be smiling. Holding you close to me was holding the world close to me. You were my world and not having you drove me insane. You were a drug. When you were there, all pain was gone and all was alright. Too long with you and I couldn't handle it. But then, without you, I went insane and thought about you all the time.
I tried giving you up at first but you didn't give me up, and of course I gave in. Then that first night would happen over and over again. I should've taken you that first night... but I know that it would've only been a moment, so intense that the consequence would've burned us both.
So then the second time I tried to give you up, I went insane not speaking to you. A few hours without speaking to you and it felt like I hadn't spoken to you in days. So I tried to tell you it had to stop, it had to stop, it had to stop... I had a chance to tell you the last day I saw you... but when I saw you, everything was alright. There was no problem... life was euphoric. The sun kept shining and things would be okay.
Then, of course, as the day went on that sunshine faded and I was alone again. Insane again. Finally you told me what I had been trying to tell you for the eternity of two weeks.
It had to stop.
I told you to keep my things, not because I didn't want to deal with seeing you again, but because it was easier for me knowing that part of me was with you.
I still love you, and I know you still love me. When I saw you again, I knew it to be true.
You were just smarter than me. You were just stronger than me.
I can never forget you, only bury the pain with time until it's numbed enough for me to truly move on. And I'm trying so hard. It's been over a year and I'm trying so hard.
I love you.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
And What Will Never Be
Rain rains down, hard and heavy, soaking me to the bone. The cold water beats against my face and cools the heat of my cheeks that my tears have warmed.
My bare feet feel the mud suck in each footstep. Seeing you walk to me... I know how much we've both hurt. The streetlights glow in the thick curtains of rain and the silent song of raindrops splashing the pavement is sung with heaven's silence.
Laughing from the joy I can't keep inside me. You burst in giggles. I smile. You come close.
We kiss.
Heaven's in my arms.
Outside, the rain is raining, but in my head, it's sunshine and smiling.
My bare feet feel the mud suck in each footstep. Seeing you walk to me... I know how much we've both hurt. The streetlights glow in the thick curtains of rain and the silent song of raindrops splashing the pavement is sung with heaven's silence.
Laughing from the joy I can't keep inside me. You burst in giggles. I smile. You come close.
We kiss.
Heaven's in my arms.
Outside, the rain is raining, but in my head, it's sunshine and smiling.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Hell / The Reality Nightmare
My last touch with the reality I knew, the reality others knew, would have been when I stood in my hallway. When I walked through my door, what had all happened had finally all sunk in, I could feel my organs as they changed.
My heart grew heavy and sank. It anchored my body, refusing to let me move. My lungs could not take in enough air. I was suffocating in my own body. My stomach instantly became severely famished. Always hungry, but unable to eat.
And it continued, relentless, increasing. Until finally, my senses lost touch of what was real. I could feel the inside of my chest flicker. I thought I had imagined it, until it happened again. This time, my vision blurred and distorted. I swore that the lights had dimmed as well. I could feel my insides churning. It was violent. My chest would flutter and flicker in dizzying sync with my eyesight. I believe bile spilled from my throat into my mouth, and a sickening, bitter taste filled my mouth. I could smell rot that felt like it poisoned my lungs. My skin crawled all over my body. a low pulsing infested my ears, injecting fear into my state of panic and revulsion.
The sensation in my rib cage crew stronger. There was something twisting and twitching, vile and black that needed to escape.
and in one painful, agonizing moment, it tore itself from me. my senses slowly returned.
i looked down.
oh god.
there was a giant, gaping hole in my chest. black fluid seemed to ooze and drip from it. i continued to stare at it for a while. i looked up and into a mirror, and was filled with dread and sadness.
looking back at me was a pale figure with old, matted hair. the skin was white and taunt and glistened sickeningly, with dark veins highlighting the cheeks. as for the hole in my chest, i saw that it was all the way through. all my clothes were tattered and torn.
i sat on the bench behind me and raised my cold hands to hold my head.
am i dead?
i always thought of the afterlife as what goes on in the mind... emotional and spiritual reality became more as physical reality became nothing. and i tried to continue that thought, to finish it, but i could not. it faded from my memory, leaving me with a realization that i found horrid but did not know why. everything felt so real. i could feel the harsh wood beneath my feet, i could smell rot and stink in the air. i could hear the now dim hallway i was in creaking and moaning. worst of all was the incessant ache in my chest, where that damned hole was.
i walked outside, thinking that perhaps i could escape this place. i opened my door to a dark and barren land that seemed to mock my neighborhood. houses were in shambles, the grass was replaced by dirt, and the trees were bare and old. every few trees would hold a corpse swinging from a noose. the street held strange, disgusting creates like fat, over sized red maggots sliming across the pavement. Ghoulish figures like myself stalked the stale air, aimless and wandering.
i closed the door as i re-entered my home. i sat on my bench again. i tried to search for love, for happiness, for good memories, and found none. i tried to replace the sadness with hatred. with rage. i could not. i even tried to shed tears, but my face remained dry.
i could only feel the sadness, the fear and the loneliness wash over me and drown me.
"why?" i asked.
and i only heard one whispered response.
"this is forever."
My heart grew heavy and sank. It anchored my body, refusing to let me move. My lungs could not take in enough air. I was suffocating in my own body. My stomach instantly became severely famished. Always hungry, but unable to eat.
And it continued, relentless, increasing. Until finally, my senses lost touch of what was real. I could feel the inside of my chest flicker. I thought I had imagined it, until it happened again. This time, my vision blurred and distorted. I swore that the lights had dimmed as well. I could feel my insides churning. It was violent. My chest would flutter and flicker in dizzying sync with my eyesight. I believe bile spilled from my throat into my mouth, and a sickening, bitter taste filled my mouth. I could smell rot that felt like it poisoned my lungs. My skin crawled all over my body. a low pulsing infested my ears, injecting fear into my state of panic and revulsion.
The sensation in my rib cage crew stronger. There was something twisting and twitching, vile and black that needed to escape.
and in one painful, agonizing moment, it tore itself from me. my senses slowly returned.
i looked down.
oh god.
there was a giant, gaping hole in my chest. black fluid seemed to ooze and drip from it. i continued to stare at it for a while. i looked up and into a mirror, and was filled with dread and sadness.
looking back at me was a pale figure with old, matted hair. the skin was white and taunt and glistened sickeningly, with dark veins highlighting the cheeks. as for the hole in my chest, i saw that it was all the way through. all my clothes were tattered and torn.
i sat on the bench behind me and raised my cold hands to hold my head.
am i dead?
i always thought of the afterlife as what goes on in the mind... emotional and spiritual reality became more as physical reality became nothing. and i tried to continue that thought, to finish it, but i could not. it faded from my memory, leaving me with a realization that i found horrid but did not know why. everything felt so real. i could feel the harsh wood beneath my feet, i could smell rot and stink in the air. i could hear the now dim hallway i was in creaking and moaning. worst of all was the incessant ache in my chest, where that damned hole was.
i walked outside, thinking that perhaps i could escape this place. i opened my door to a dark and barren land that seemed to mock my neighborhood. houses were in shambles, the grass was replaced by dirt, and the trees were bare and old. every few trees would hold a corpse swinging from a noose. the street held strange, disgusting creates like fat, over sized red maggots sliming across the pavement. Ghoulish figures like myself stalked the stale air, aimless and wandering.
i closed the door as i re-entered my home. i sat on my bench again. i tried to search for love, for happiness, for good memories, and found none. i tried to replace the sadness with hatred. with rage. i could not. i even tried to shed tears, but my face remained dry.
i could only feel the sadness, the fear and the loneliness wash over me and drown me.
"why?" i asked.
and i only heard one whispered response.
"this is forever."
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